<div id="page" class="article-view" style="background-position: 0px 30px; margin-top: 54px; float: none; width: 960px; background-color: #ffffff; overflow: visible; border-radius: 3px 0px 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Avenir Next', Arial, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">
<div id="page-inner" style="padding: 1em 2em;">
<div id="article-title" style="margin-top: -40px;">
<h1 style="margin: 2em 0px 5px 8px; padding: 0px 100px 0.2em 0px; font-size: 2.2em; font-weight: 500; text-shadow: #cccccc 2px 2px 3px; border: 0px none;">Romance Is Not Necessarily Love</h1>
</div>
<p class="by-line" style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;"><em>By&nbsp;<a style="color: #a30006;" title="EzineArticles Expert Author Tina Tessina" href="https://ezinearticles.com/expert/Tina_Tessina/34086" rel="author">Tina Tessina</a><span class="author-divider" style="font-size: 18px;">&nbsp;&nbsp;|&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>&nbsp;<span class="submitted-date">Submitted On May 22, 2020</span></em></p>
<div id="article-top-controls-container" style="width: 601.906px; height: 30px; position: relative;"><a class="trigger-modal article-action" style="color: #333333; display: inline-block; text-decoration-line: none; padding: 0px; margin: 2px 2px 10px; border-radius: 5px; font-weight: bold; font-size: 0.9em;" title="Recommend Article" href="https://ezinearticles.com/?Romance-Is-Not-Necessarily-Love&amp;id=10300822#/rpc/article/emailArticle/form.json?callback=setupEmailForm" rel="nofollow"><img class="article-sprite envelope-icon" style="border: 0px; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/theme/responsive/spriting/article-v2.png') 0px -124px no-repeat; height: 30px; width: 30px; vertical-align: middle; padding-right: 3px;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Recommend Article" /></a>&nbsp;<a class="article-action" style="color: #333333; display: inline-block; text-decoration-line: none; padding: 0px; margin: 2px 2px 10px; border-radius: 5px; font-weight: bold; font-size: 0.9em;" title="View comments for this article." href="https://ezinearticles.com/comment.php?Romance-Is-Not-Necessarily-Love&amp;id=10300822" rel="nofollow"><img class="article-sprite chat-icon" style="border: 0px; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/theme/responsive/spriting/article-v2.png') 0px -28px no-repeat; height: 30px; width: 30px; vertical-align: middle; padding-right: 3px;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Article Comments" /></a>&nbsp;<a id="print-article" class="article-action " style="color: #333333; display: inline-block; text-decoration-line: none; padding: 0px; margin: 2px 2px 10px; border-radius: 5px; font-weight: bold; font-size: 0.9em;" title="Print Article" href="https://ezinearticles.com/?Romance-Is-Not-Necessarily-Love&amp;id=10300822" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener"><img class="article-sprite print-icon" style="border: 0px; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/theme/responsive/spriting/article-v2.png') 0px -188px no-repeat; height: 30px; width: 30px; vertical-align: middle; padding-right: 3px;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Print Article" /></a>
<div id="social-shares-popout" class="share-bar" style="height: auto; float: right;"><a style="color: #a30006; width: 20px; height: 20px; position: relative; text-decoration-line: none; margin: 7px 3px 0px; float: left;" title="Share this article on Facebook" href="https://ezinearticles.com/share/?id=10300822&amp;site=facebook" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener"><img class="site-sprite facebook-icon" style="border: 0px solid #cccccc; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/theme/desk/site-v10.png') 0px 0px no-repeat; height: 20px; width: 20px; border-radius: 2px; opacity: 1; box-shadow: #999999 1px 1px 2px inset;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Share this article on Facebook" /></a><a style="color: #a30006; width: 20px; height: 20px; position: relative; text-decoration-line: none; margin: 7px 3px 0px; float: left;" title="Share this article on Twitter" href="https://ezinearticles.com/share/?id=10300822&amp;site=twitter" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener"><img class="site-sprite twitter-icon" style="border: 0px solid #cccccc; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/theme/desk/site-v10.png') 0px -49px no-repeat; height: 20px; width: 20px; border-radius: 2px; opacity: 1; box-shadow: #999999 1px 1px 2px inset;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Share this article on Twitter" /></a><a style="color: #a30006; width: 20px; height: 20px; position: relative; text-decoration-line: none; margin: 7px 3px 0px; float: left;" title="Share this article on Linkedin" href="https://ezinearticles.com/share/?id=10300822&amp;site=linkedin" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener"><img class="site-sprite linkedin-icon" style="border: 0px solid #cccccc; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/theme/desk/site-v10.png') -44px -98px no-repeat; height: 20px; width: 20px; border-radius: 2px; opacity: 1; box-shadow: #999999 1px 1px 2px inset;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Share this article on Linkedin" /></a><a style="color: #a30006; width: 20px; height: 20px; position: relative; text-decoration-line: none; margin: 7px 3px 0px; float: left;" title="Share this article on Reddit" href="https://ezinearticles.com/share/?id=10300822&amp;site=reddit" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener"><img class="site-sprite reddit-icon" style="border: 0px solid #cccccc; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/theme/desk/site-v10.png') -22px -98px no-repeat; height: 20px; width: 20px; border-radius: 2px; opacity: 1; box-shadow: #999999 1px 1px 2px inset;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Share this article on Reddit" /></a><a style="color: #a30006; width: 20px; height: 20px; position: relative; text-decoration-line: none; margin: 7px 3px 0px; float: left;" title="Share this article on Pinterest" href="https://ezinearticles.com/share/?id=10300822&amp;site=pinterest" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener"><img class="site-sprite pinterest-icon" style="border: 0px solid #cccccc; background: url('//img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/theme/desk/site-v10.png') -65px -98px no-repeat; height: 20px; width: 20px; border-radius: 2px; opacity: 1; box-shadow: #999999 1px 1px 2px inset;" src="https://img.ezinearticles.com/spriting/trans.gif" alt="Share this article on Pinterest" /></a></div>
</div>
<a class="photo-container" style="color: #a30006; position: relative; float: left; margin: 10px 18.2344px 15px; overflow: hidden; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.3) 0px 1px 3px; border-radius: 5px;" title="EzineArticles Expert Author Tina Tessina" href="https://ezinearticles.com/expert/Tina_Tessina/34086"><img class="photo" style="border: 0px; max-width: 160px; display: block;" title="EzineArticles Expert Author Tina Tessina" src="https://ezinearticles.com/members/mem_pics/Tina-Tessina_146914.jpg" alt="Expert Author Tina Tessina" /></a>
<div id="article-body" style="font-size: 1.2em; margin-top: 18px;">
<div id="article-content">
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">In romantic depictions of love, cute little images of cherubs and cupids abound. But Cupid, in his real incarnation, is not so sweet and cuddly. His arrows can create deep and lasting wounds, and can strike you blind and irrational in a heartbeat. A few disaster-filled run-ins with Cupid's dart and you can readily believe that love will never work for you.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">Even if you take responsibility for your own life in most ways and successfully handle most work and social situations, when it comes to intimate relationships you may feel helpless and out of control. You may find yourself inexplicably obsessing on someone who isn't available or interested, or even feeling so needy and helpless that you are unable to protect yourself when you are criticized, abused or degraded. It's a very painful experience when a romantic relationship with the partner whom you hope and expect will provide you with love, joy and fulfillment of our dreams turns into a miserable, disappointing and dismal failure.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;"><strong>A Dependent Image of Love</strong></p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">When it comes to love, it's easy to forget how to think clearly, because we have all been bombarded with images that imply love and dependency are the same thing:</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Lovers should depend on each other to supply their needs, to take care of them and "make it better",</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Lovers should need each other "You are my happiness, I'd die without you"</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Lovers are incomplete without each other, and that two should "become one"-losing their individual personalities, friends, interests and opinions in the process.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">This dependent image of love has been reinforced for generations of songs, poetry, plays, books, movies and television soap operas that have celebrated a dependent model of romantic relationships that contains neediness, desperation and the idea that only love (from a perfect partner) can make life better. This "ideal lover" is supposed to:</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Love you no matter how unreasonable you are,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Always be there when you want or need him or her,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Always know exactly how to sooth your hurts,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Always know (and be prepared to give you) precisely what you want (even if you're not sure yourself), and</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; Put your needs before his or her own needs.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">This "romantic" image of love sounds good, but although it seems exciting and fulfilling at first, such a relationship cannot flourish. Since no one else can ever care for you as well as you can yourself (they can't know your needs and wants as well as you do, they can't tell what their care-taking feels like to you, and they also have their hands full with their own needs), one or both of you will wind up feeling ripped off, used, neglected, unloved, and generally dissatisfied.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">The romantic ideal creates dysfunctional relationships, in which the ground rules are:</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; You can't talk about it (it might upset the other person),</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; It's hopeless (since you can't talk about it, you can't solve it together), and</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">&bull; We're both helpless (we can't control our own behavior, or outbursts of anger, or make effective choices).</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;"><strong>Partner as Parent</strong></p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">In part, we have unrealistic fantasies about love because our first experience (and basic model) of intimate relationships was with parents who took care of us as children (and perhaps did not encourage us to become self-sufficient and responsible); or with parents who were not fully there to take care of us (as we knew they should).</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">While, on the surface, we are looking for someone we can enjoy and have fun with, our dependent, romantic inner self is secretly searching for a substitute for a parent-someone who will take care of us make our old wounds better, care about our feelings, and accept us for who we are. If you, like so many people, come from a family where you suffered rejection or abandonment at an early age, when you begin to search for a romantic partner, all too often, you find a substitute parent who is like the real parent who let you down, and you wind up repeating the old, subconscious patterns.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">If you and your partner are fighting over silly things, if one or both of you suddenly "blows up" or gets angry and the other one doesn't understand why, or if you feel very unsatisfied and restless in your relationship, consider that one or both of you may have some confusion about the difference between parental love, and love between equal partners.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;"><strong>A Mature Model of Love</strong></p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">When you let go of the dependent, childish view of love, and use the more adult model, you'll get a different picture of familial love. Mature love is mutually caring, mutually giving and mutually responsible, without the dependent, needy or controlling imbalance of power present in the child/parent model. When you take responsibility for making love mutually satisfying, and expect equal maturity, responsibility and respect from your partner, you increase your power to receive and give love at full capacity, while retaining your self-esteem and sense of competence.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">For more understanding of this, read "&nbsp;<a style="color: #a30006;" href="http://www.tinatessina.com/when-love-is-kind.html" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships</a>&nbsp;"</p>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">Adapted from:&nbsp;<em>Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences</em>&nbsp;(Kindle and Paperback)</p>
</div>
<div id="article-resource"></div>
<p style="margin: 0px 0px 1em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5em;">Article Source:&nbsp;<a style="color: #a30006;" href="https://ezinearticles.com/expert/Tina_Tessina/34086">https://EzineArticles.com/expert/Tina_Tessina/34086</a></p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="footer-container" style="width: 960px; height: auto; position: relative; overflow: hidden; color: #333333; font-family: 'Avenir Next', Arial, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; background-color: #ffffff;">
<div class="bottom-gdfp-container" style="width: 960px; margin: 10px auto;">
<div id="1671073541370329235"></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="clear-both" style="clear: both; color: #333333; font-family: 'Avenir Next', Arial, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #ffffff; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial;">&nbsp;</div>